It's Been a While. Let's talk about Relevant Irrelevant Folks

http://www.usmagazine.com/moviestvmusic/news/mysterious-white-powder-sent-to-bristol-palin-at-dwts-20102011

According to the ever reliable "Us Magazine," someone mailed a package of mysterious white powder to Bristol Palin at the Dancing With the Stars set.

Well, hell. If the Palins aren't the biggest bunch of attention whores on the face of planet Earth, I'm just not sure who is. This is clearly something Mama Palin did to get Bristol even more press. They are obnoxious.

I'm just sayin'.

3 Life Lessons

1) Never buy a used Volvo from a Nissan dealership. Moreover, if the salesman is wearing a tacky University of Georgia football tie, steer clear.

2) Always have a rain plan.

3) True friends lift you up when you need it most. I was reminded of this last Friday when I received a sweet text message from a dear friend who knew I was going through a difficult time. To my friends, I say thank you... you all rock! :)

P.S. - And to the rude bi-otch who keeps commenting on my status updates on Facebook--get a life. You might have seen me on Facebook, but shawty you don't know me.

So I married Clinton Kelly

So I married Clinton Kelly.

This morning, I was getting dressed for work. I thought I had a pretty easy day coming ahead, so I dressed slightly more casual than normal. (P.S.-I love the flexibility of my job).

Anywho, the scene is the bedroom I share with A-Bunn. He walks in (after I was finished dressing, of course) and asks, "Are you wearing a SKORT?!" To which I replied, "Yes...and?"

"Jess," he replied,"Skorts are SO 1990."

Maybe Allen is right. But in my defense, I'm not wearing a "business in the front, party in the back" skort, circa 1990. This is a skort that is truly well-disguised as a skirt.

I never realized that Allen is a fashion expert.

Remember "Opposite Day"?

Well, today is evidently "Opposite Day!"

Pandora Radio kicked me out because I've maxed out on my free listening priveleges for the month. So, I ventured over to Yahoo! Radio and browsed through the stations. Not feeling much in the mood for country, pop, or any form of booty shakin, I opted for Adult Alternative.

Everything was going just fine, 'til "You Belong to Me" by Taylor Swift started playing.

Epic fail, Yahoo!Radio. Taylor Swift is neither adult nor alternative. Even if it was the version of the song with a "rock" beat.

Sheez.

John Mayer's conquests

Does anyone else listen to John Mayer's lyrics and think "AHA! I know exactly which celebrity lover this song is about!" Well, here are my guesses and reasoning:


Heartbreak Warfare

So OBVIOUSLY written about Jennifer Aniston. Every time I hear this song, clips from the movie "The Break Up" flash through my head.

Red wine and Ambien/you're talking sh** again

just screams "Jen Aniston." Why?! There are hints of "I'm really into you, but maybe you're not quite over someone else" in this song. If I were previously married to Brad Pitt and subsequently left by Brad Pitt for Angelina Jolie, I'm quite sure that my entire body would run off red wine and Ambien.

Half of My Heart

So OBVIOUSLY written about Jessica Simpson. DUH.

Half of my heart is a shotgun wedding to a bride with a paper ring/And half of my heart is the part of a man who's never really loved anything

I'm thinking if I were Jessica Simpson, I'd send him a text message telling him where to stick his sexual nepalm.

Dear Jack

Dearest Jack,

You know Mommy loves you. You probably know this because Mommy says "Mommy loves Jack" about 4500 times a day. Proof that Mommy loves you: Mommy has spent a whopping $250 in one month on you. Mommy passed up a beautiful Burberry watch to pay for your boarding, and then your latest trip to the vet. It is about high time for you to be well. And stay that way for at least 3 months.

Love
Mommy

P.S.-How cute is my dog?

Reading between the lines

A recent "conversation" forced me to focus not on what is said aloud, but rather what isn't said aloud -- what is implied.

As many of you know, because I'm sure the only people who actually read this stuff know me and are considered friends, that my mother and stepfather live in a rural area of Tennessee. They own a very successful grocery store and deli called "Lucky's Bargain Barn"(yes, really). My mother also cares for many animals: 4 horses, one dog, one cat and a pig...and a partride in a pear tree. And before you get any ideas in your mind that their surroundings look like an episode of "Hoarders," just go ahead and back up. They have a nice house and a sprawling piece of land. Plenty of room for 4 horses, a pig, a dog, a cat, and even the partridge in a pear tree.

So the conversation (that has taken place more than once, mind you, as this is a person who knows me and my family fairly well) went a little something like this:

Person who shall remain nameless: "How's THE pig?!"
Me: Thinking in the back of my mind, "like you care," but being very polite... "The pig is fine."
Person who shall remain nameless: Dying of laughter.... "Where does the pig live?!"
Me: Getting really annoyed, because I have clearly answered this question before, and now it's just becoming a little game.... "Outside in a pen. It shares a barn with the horses."
Person who shall remain nameless: Still dying of laughter for no apparent reason... "And what is the pig's name?!"
Me: Really just over it at this point... "Piggy Sue"
Person who shall remain nameless:...Still dying of obnoxious laughter.

Now, it may or may not be apparent to you at home (or work) what this person was trying to accomplish. But to me, it was crystal clear.

You can try to your best to make others feel that they are less than you...but when you do so, you're the one who ends up looking like a PIG.

Have a nice day.

XOXO,
JB